I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
