just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
