I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
