thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
