i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
