Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
