I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
