He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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