i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
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Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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