He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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