I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
