I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
