Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
