dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
