How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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