Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
