I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Someone signed my nipple.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
