I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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