That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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