3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
