Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
