I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
