she looked like the bat from fern gully.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
