im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
