I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
