i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
