Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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