she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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