I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
