I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
