U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
