I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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