i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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