Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
