In the future we'll all be gay
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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