I wish I could punch you in the face.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
