Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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