maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
