Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
