They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
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im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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