You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We need a shit load of segways right now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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