well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
