where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
