I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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