I hate your face
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
