I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
