My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
A+ Viking dick
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
