i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
