...so i touched it.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
