Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
