I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
