dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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