Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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