I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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