How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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