Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
