Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
