She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
