he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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