cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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