good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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